For the boy who was available.

 Dramatic,isn't it? The tittle I mean.

Let me tell you a story. I few months ago I met a wonderful person. I got to know him and wow was he great. I mean he was everything. Reliable, loving, and he cared about me. And I didn't have to fight for it, I never heard to perform for the care. I blew it. I left for somebody else, the exact opposite of who was. I don't regret it, I know I still wasn't gonna be able to keep him. 

I've told this story half a dozen times, most times to my therapist And I'm gonna try paraphrase what she said to me. A lot of times people with a trauma of some sort, childhood, or otherwise, or those with a tumultuous relationship with themselve, find themselves in relationships platonic or romantic that are one sided. Stay with me here, there's a method to the madness. 

Because Someone or something, maybe even a situation has made us feel unworthy of love. We spent the entirety of our lives trying to prove to others and ourselves that we are worthy of love. Regardless of how much we know that human beings, the moment they're born are in fact worthy of love, We still do this so that maybe, just maybe the people in our lives can love us and confirm to us that we are infact worthy. So we over compensate. We hope to love these people so much that they'll perhaps learn how to love us too, they'll learn how we want to be treated and reciprocate. You tell yourself that you'll love them so fiercely in their love language that they have no choice but to reciprocate and learn how to love you in your love language. 

 It's a catch 22, unfortunately when things don't go your way, as they often won't with emotionally unavailable people, you confirm your fear that you are infact unlovable and will never find love in your life. And even if these people perhaps stay in our lives, you become miserable. You aren't yourself, you're trying so hard to keep this person that you lose yourself. You dismiss your needs for theirs, jump over lakes of acid and rivers of fire to make them happy. But they won't reciprocate. When they do, it will be rare, breathtaking, a unbelievable high. And then just as quickly as it was reciprocated, it will be taken away. And you'll work harder. Be more harsh on yourself and the cycle continues.

Unfortunately, I can't give you advise on how to escape that cycle. But I can tell you that I know it hurts. I know it hurts even when you've seen it coming. I know it hurts even when it confirms your beliefs about your self and your worthiness. It still hurts even when they told you so. You keep chasing and all that seems to happen is that people keep running. 

I think we can start here though. At this moment in time, to acknowledge that we have a problem, a little hick up  if you will.  Then we can think, alone in our rooms, of who made us feel this way. Who ever made us feel unworthy of love. Who ever made us perform for affection. Who ever told us we wouldn't be worthy outside of the achievements we garner, the dresses we were, the people we hang out with, and grades on our paper?? I know they were wrong but like so many others I wish I believed it.