We will never be those kids again.

 A good month or so back I broke my favourite cup, I had bought it when I first left for University in 2019. It was everything I liked. When it broke, I felt a sadness I never thought I'd feel for an object. But it wasn't the cup I was sad about. I was, and still am in mourning. 

Growing up is just a series of loss and gains, mourning and mourning. we mourn the past for what it was and what it held, and the future that we thought it would be in the present. I've spent more of this past 2 years mourning than I care to admit. I have had to first mourn the idea of what life was supposed to be after varsity, and who i was set to become. I've had to mourn when an opportunity didn't become what I thought it would be when I took the leap. And I've had to mourn friendships. I've suprisely also been mourning the innocence of falling in love as a teenager and the person I once was before 2023. I've done more grieving in these past 2 years than I've ever in my life. The dead friendships, relationships, opportunities all of it. 

Most significantly however, is that in the past year I've had to grieve the love of my life. My grandma. I wanted to write about it on its own but it feels right here. So here goes.....

There's nothing that will shake you up like losing a loved one, and I've been trying heal from whiplash of the crash that happened when she died. For all intents and purposes something shifted in me, in a good but oh so tragic way. It's a hollow feeling I've learnt to live with but not quite gotten used to. You go about all your life breathing, loving this person and then they are gone. Silence. Nothingness. 

It changed me. It's a feeling I carry in my soul, I'm constantly morphing around it. Like building a wall around a well, the middle stays empty. I've changed around it. Feeling my childhood slip further and further away. And the reality of adulting settling in. This is who I am now. 

Anyway, there was not much of a point to this post just an acknowledgement that we will never be those kids again. You way never fix that friendship, that romantic relationship may never be, you missed your chance to make it official with him or her, that job wasnt a career launch pad like you thought it would be.  Some ships have sailed. We mourn, we grieve. We grow.

This is not a post on regret. Just growth, just acceptance that We will never be those kids again. I will never be that kid again and It's okay because now we're young adults, now we're steady, our confidence is silent, sure, stable, and we know better now.

 Just because it's gone doesn't mean another, that's more appropriate to where you are won't come. Life is finite but experiences, and love aren't. There's always more to grow into, to experience, to love, and be loved. 

I'll never be that kid again, but I'm this young woman now.