Don't kill me just yet, I know it's been a minute. There's been a lot going on between school, life, family, friends, feeling etc. Its just been a lot and I needed the time.
As I type this, I'm halfway through packing up my things at res and I sorta gave up half way through, I'm not sure how and when I got this much stuff but now the challenge is how I'm gonna get it to fit in my dad's car. He tells me all the time that my things seem to keep increasing, only this time when he tells me he'll be picking up from res for the last time. I'm leaving never to return to NUL.
All the times I had imagined leaving this place, I imagined I'd be emotional, inconsolable even. I kept having conversations about how it was gonna be a lot to say good bye to 4years of my life. I remember one conversations where I said, I don't think I want my dad to talk to me after he picks me up cause I might break down. Another where I was telling the other person that I hope I don't suppress those feelings and just let them out. I thought those feelings would be despair, trying to hold on to people and their memory but instead I'm eerily content. Like how I imagine old people feel as they watch their grandkids grow, like I did what I was supposed to do here and now it's time to move on. It's not a feeling I saw coming.
I've been done with exams for about a week now, maybe exactly a week by the time you see this. And I have suprised myself with each waking day. There's something innately beautiful and scary about knowing that you've changed. In knowing that some spaces, people, situations and feelings no longer serve you. That they no longer build you. It's been the most rewarding act of love for myself during this week to simply just let it go. Let go of the what ifs, the anger, the entitlement, and the resentment. It's almost as if, as my time here comes to an end, so does everything else that won't serve me in my next chapter of life.
But Jesus the carpenter of Nazareth Christ !!!!! it has been one hellll of a 4 year journey. Even more one hell of a last year. In 4 years I've loved, lost, loved people who didn't love me back, hurt those who did, I've cried, panicked, got a diagnosis, been in the hospital twice ( I need to have a chat with my uterus), I've partied, I've laughed, oh I've laughed hard, I've learned, I've grown. I've really grown.
There's something in the air when change is coming. When good things are looming. The past year I've been so anxious about change. About this very moment. But I approach it now with an open mind, there's everything to be anxious about and that's okay, because I know. I know deep in the crevices of my soul, that there's also many, many more and perhaps by a tenfold things to be excited about.
I give God and my ancestors thee most glory for these four years. I'm never alone, I am the culmination of all my mother's prayers and a result of the manifestations of my ancestors.
I'm looking forward to writing from the real world. Adulting headquarters. Until then, love and light and remember
QUE SERA SERA, WHAT WILL BE, WILL BE
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