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March Photo Dump

 I was curating the month's photo dump for twitter and my Instagram account when it hit me, I'VE HAD ONE HELL OF A MONTH. I don't think I had taken the time to look through my pictures until today, or let me put it like this, I had pushed the struggles of the month so far in my subconscious that I hadn't truly realized how intense it has been. 

At the beginning of March I found myself in hospital. I got sick, which isn't too out of the ordinary for me but I had never been sick to that extent. I spent a straight week in the hospital after spending another week in and out of the hospital. The experience was just as you'd think, but I had made a friend in the ward and it made the experience a little better. 

In her late 60's my roomie was the life of the party, you could tell she'd lived a full life and continues to want to live to her fullest. A little old fashioned but yiu know nothing not to be expected. Her insight into life was my favorite thing, she had all these little stories about how much life has changed and how much work we've done as women to be where we are. For some reason she believed in me so much, it was weird. To have this stranger have a glimpse I to my dreams and think I am going to achieve them all. Scary too. Because what did she see that I could see in myself?? I don't know if I'll ever figure put why she belied in me so much. I don't think I'll see her again. I do know that a part of me changed in that room because of her.

When I got discharged from hospital it took a few days before I could properly say I'm okay, well I'm okay now. Not good but okay. In those few days before I was okay okay, and before I came back to school I got to sit with my thoughts a lot, I got to forget about the looming storm that is my academics after missing two weeks of lessons. Unfortunately in this time I got to worry too. 

There's something very sinister about being sick, something that strips you down to your bare self. Worry was just a consequence of this. When everything is taken away from you and you're faced with your mortality. The realization that mabe you escaped death this time but it definitely going to happen. I know this is dark but then again such is life. All I do is worry now, because I am not the young woman that was wheeled into that hospital and yet I'm not any new either. In an essence I'm still her, but I'm also not her. It's like I'm in the middle. 

You know when you're traveling and you're literally in the middle of nowhere?? Not at your destination. But not at your starting point either but still close to where you were?? Yes that feeling. I feel like that. Like a misformed blob of existence. Like the slime the caterpillar turns into before it becomes a butterfly.  The short version, I'm confused. 

Feeling a little lost, a little confused and I have no idea what I am doing or supposed to be doing. Where I want go seems as far as ever and all my strength is being used to trying to keep up with life and just survive another day. I don't know if it's enough but I think it should be because at times we don't  have the strength to be all these things life demands us to be. All we got is enough energy to get us through the day. 

I guess all this post is just to say I had a hard month of March, I'm still trying to recover. My big sad and anxiety has come back after months of progress, and I am trying to pick up the pieces of whoever this new girlie is. I've only got the strength for that right now and that means the next post will almost certainly be another 3 months from now when I have the strength to. For now it's a wrap. 

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