Hey Google, play Taylor Swift's 22

 When you see this/ read this it will be Christmas or the day after or as I like to call it my birthday. Yes, I have the same birthday as the big guy. No, it is not fun and no, people don't gift you any better just cause you're born on Santa Claus’s big day and capitalism's finest scam. I'll be 22, or in your case when you see this, I'm 22. weird. 

My 21st year has been such a whirlwind. the highs were so high you'd swear I would never feel low again. And when those lows hit?? it was a knockout, a hit right in the solar plexus. horrible, horrible, pain. I feel like I should have a particular lesson or lessons that I can say I learnt but honestly, I can’t put my finger on it, I know I learnt some harsh truths and they have shaped who I am now but I can’t explain it yet. I think the strongest theme for my year was awareness. I stay realizing, I stay becoming aware of old habits, thought patterns, insecurities, fears, triggers, new loves, new habits, all of that. I keep realizing things about myself and the relationships I keep around me, what those relationships reflect about me and my past and how they will ultimately affect my future. 

I loved a lot this year, I loved with as much strength as I could summon up, with as much courage that I could master; I don’t want to say with all my might because I know I can love harder and better but I know that that was the best I could do at the time within the situations I found myself within. I loved my partners a lot, loved my friends a lot too, I think more than I have ever in my life, I really loved my friends out loud. But at the same time, I have wept, I have cried oceans and oceans of tears, I've been hurt and I have hurt others, intentionally or unintentionally. For some of the things I am still Hurting, still reeling, still feeling the whiplash in my neck and for others I have come to terms with them, forgiven others and even forgiven myself. And in others my ego is bruised, and all that is left is anger, at myself and at the people. I am wise enough to know I'm not ready to deal with the anger and the knock to my pride but I am also naive enough or maybe petty enough to keep it dragging until I have the strength to deal with it.

Nothing could have ever prepared me for the year that I had, for the amount of shock I’d constantly be in. For the amount of growing up, maturing I had to do and continue to do. but I think the biggest shock is finally realizing what people meant, what our teachers, parents and siblings meant when they said that life was unpredictable. we spend so long planning, so long trying to figure out how we are going to survive in a future that we might not be alive for, that we forget that life is not set in stone. That no matter how much we try some things are purely and simply out of our control, and life doesn’t always go how we want it to, or how we expect it to, or how we hoped it would. Life simply just goes, and sometimes that's okay too. So many of the things I wanted to do I didn’t, and yet so many of the things I didn’t think I’d achieve creatively, emotionally, and mentally I did. I did that. I really did. 

20 year old me would not believe the woman we've become and continue to become. We are not there yet and that’s okay. I think the middle of the journey gets so tedious sometimes, with no views and no pit stops, just work, work, work. and sometimes we slack off, veer of course a little, come back only to stop and just want to give up. I'm right there, in the middle, constantly changing. No longer that girl who first walked onto campus 4 years ago but still not yet this brand new person. I’m just in the middle. not hot, not cold. not well done not raw either. just a little medium well. just lukewarm. the middleness of it all is such uncomfortable zone for me might I add. I remember my then partner say that I scare them because I exist on such extremes, that with me it’s never just middle. it always gotta be extreme, if only they could see me now, embracing middle. 

I'm in awe of my strength mostly, in awe of my resilience and most importantly so thankful for the pillars that keep me up, my family, my friends, the creative community and most importantly whatever higher power wants to claim me (LOL). I am so different yet so similar to who I was all my life. I continue to change and hope to keep changing into my 22nd year. It’s amazing how I never thought, nor did I plan to get here.... but that’s for another time. and yet I'm here, still breathing. surviving and looking forward to thriving. 

In the next year all I ask for is courage and strength, the courage to take leaps, speak my mind, defend my truth and my heart, courage to feel emotions and express them, the courage to make a name for myself. The strength to accept criticism, to make changes, to take rejection, to put myself first, strength to handle the responsibilities of my dreams and the challenges that come with thriving and not just surviving. 

Thank you for listening to my kind of crazy. Happy 22nd birthday to me. Merry Christmas and have a prosperous 2023. I wish you guys, love, prosperity, and kindness and above all else I hope you're kinder to yourself about what you achieved and did not achieve, I hope that you afford the same grace, kindness, and love to yourself that you give to others. KEA LEBOHA 

With love,

 A former 21 year old.