Whatever will be, will be ( To lean in or To let go)

 Hey. 

A month ago, literally. I found myself recovering from an emergency surgery and would a week later be diagnosed with Endometriosis. I mean yeah I always knew that the type of menstrual pain I kept having wasn't normal but I didn't wanna be a baby about it. What I did not expect however is the sort of avalanche that it triggered it my life. Sorta making me aware of things I had not seen before and even those I had purposefully ignored for a long time because of fear.

When I was at home recovering next to my mum, and she'd tell me all these home remedies for women, she'd say "you're old now, a woman now". I thought and do get what she meant, my body is changing leaving behind childhood, worry free and pain free existence. I always laughed and said I didn't want to grow up, that I was still her little baby. I do know that she didn't think of it like I'm seeing it now, like I'm seeing it Manifest in my emotional and mental well being, and in the people around me. 

I started feeling my body change when I turned twenty, I called it my second puberty. In my head I was glowing up. I was painstakingly aware also that how I thought and my morals and goals where changing, my priorities too. But I ignored it. Went about my life like I wasn't aware that I no longer feel safe in spaces I used to, that I want other things now and deeper connections but I was and still am so paralised by fear. These feelings have only intensified as I started therapy and started trying to heal, and grow. With Therapy I have no choice but to come face to face with the fear of change. I can't avoid it. 

It's scary, realizing that you may be growing faster than the people you thought you'd grow with, and essentially outgrowing them in the process. Its even scarier realizing that it has to happen. We can't be static. We have to change at some point. It feels like I've come to the end of a cycle and I'm at a new beginning, but this new person has no idea what she's doing, or what to do next. 

Which brings me to the point of this post I guess. To lean in or to let go. How do we know it's time to let go? And how do we know to lean in and try harder, to try our best to make relationships work?? How do we know who to keep and who to move forward with? And how do we know it's not fear of conflict or giving up on something great? How do we know when to let go and when to lean in? And you know, it's even worse because as you go through the motions yourself, your capacity or at least mine, to help others navigate their storms is gone. All used to figure your own shit out.  And when you're like me helping others is what you do, the guilt of not being able to rocks me but I know, my cup is too empty to try and fill other cups. 

I'm struggling to find an answer that my heart settles for. Cause what if I lean in and it's not worth it or I let go and it could have been salvaged? But I keep telling myself, well at least now that maybe I'll only know when I am completely healed physically, that maybe truly that's when the new will come in. 

In anyway, I am healing just fine, one day at a time and please feel free to ask me about endometriosis at anytime. It's important we talk about such things and raise awareness about them. 

And if you're reading this it means I posted it. This post that is. I'm honest to God scared shitless of what the future brings for me and my life in all aspects but I guess it is how it is.  Whatever will be, will be.