Bear with me, its just another rant

 

First of all, compliments of the not so new and a little old new year. I hope your festive season was everything that you wanted it to be and that this year brings you all kinds of blessings. Also thank you again for continuing to support my work, I’m gonn try being a little more consistent this year no promises though. We don’t do that around here.

That aside, it is currently dawning on me that I have so much to say that I have been paralysed by the sheer thought of it. Nothing seems to wanna come out of my mind and onto this paper?? Anyway, I guess I have been in this weird place where nothing really makes sense but everything does at the same time. So much has begun to change that it sorta feels overwhelming, kinda like I’m watching every part of my life unfold and yet come together. Either way I’m proud of who I am becoming and continue to grow into.

I can tell you this though, I met someone. I met someone funny, beautiful, kind, intelligent and gentle. I love the way they smile, the sound of their laugh and how they look at me in a room full of people. The only problem is that for the first time I am afraid of letting go. I’m afraid of just freefalling and letting them love me also letting myself love them. In the back of my mind every time I want to make it official it’s like what if it doesn’t work out? What if I hurt her?? Its really not me that I am worried is gonna get their heart broken. Looking at my track record, its far from clean, its bloody as hell. My hands always seem to tremble, little mini earthquakes every time I have been trusted to hold someone’s heart. And then boom!! To the ground it goes. It sorta feels like a recurring nightmare, I get a heart then I break it, over and over and over and over and over (you get the point) again. For the first time I am scared of what I am capable of. Of how much destruction can come from me. I know first-hand how much it hurts to love someone and have them break your heart. Why would I wanna do that to her?? I should probably be telling this to my shrink instead.

Any wayyy, moving right along. The one thing I haven’t gotten around to shaking out of my system is attachment. And no, it’s not love. It just pure, 3 eyed, with horns attachment. I get attached so quickly I could probably set a work record. And every time I get attached, I sing to the tune of who ever has me captive at time. I say captive like I’m not there by free will, I usually am but at some point, my mind and my heart are two different things my heart knows its not love, that it is not even remotely close. But my brain is stubborn and very much a creature of habit. Once I’m attached its over for me. I become stupid and that’s the real problem here. I think since I was last here, I got attached to 2 people second and third currently on going. And I know, I really know what that its stupid. It makes no sense but on the brighter side my shrink and I are working on it. And I wanna know, so I’m gonna ask you just as she asked me. How do you expect people to change when you don’t confront them?? When you are always the bigger guy?? Always bending over backwards for people even when they did you wrong?? How do you expect people to treat you different when they’ve never seen the consequences of treating you the way that they do??

On another another note(lol). I want this year to be for growth. In whatever area we want it to be just growth. I want emotional, financial, and spiritual growth for myself. What about you?? And I get if you don’t have any goals or resolutions too, your worth is not determined by what you can achieve, you are worthy because you are. Not because you are chasing after next goal, after another and another but because you are you and you are breathing. Well for me, I think that’s worthy enough.

Here's to a stella year. What ever that may mean to you. Love you 3000