"A Rant" - The discourse on disappointment

you know that thing that we do? that thing where we pretend, we aren’t as hurt as we really are, as disappointed and my personal favourite, that we aren’t as messed up as we really are. that thing where we pretend that we are alright? meanwhile you downed a little more liquor that you usually do, you smoked just a little more and you haven’t been eating very well except for the junk food you stuff your body with. well, I’m an expect in that field, I get my tolerance up every week, not seriously. every new week I find out that I can handle a lot more than I think and I can definitely do this more often. Only we all know it doesn’t fill that void now does it. 

lately I have been feeling, meh. literally meh. no sort of excitement just meh. it’s not a whole per say, it’s just one of those periods where everything is constantly changing, you are learning so much about yourself and the people around you that there isn’t any time to feel emotion. you are sorta just living, just wingin it. you don’t exactly know what you are doing but you are alive and that’s a lot, that’s enough. I guess I’m finally learning that it’s okay to have a calm period, it can’t always be busy, it won’t always go your own way and for Christ’s sake IT IS OKAY TO NOT HAVE YOUR SHIT TOGETHER SOMETIMES. you are no machine. you are human. I’m only learning how to come into the greatest version of myself.

in this month or so since I was last here, the main theme has been listening to your gut. not seriously had I listened to my gut, I would have never been disappointed by a person I knew would disappoint me. had I listened to my gut we would have avoided the not at all surprising rise in my anxiety levels since last week. it is taking me a while though; I haven’t exactly gotten the hang of this anxiety vs your gut talking thing. it’s like so confusing, how do I know when to listen?? and when do I know when to just go ahead and do it?? I mean both times have come back to bite me in the behind and I just really had enough. it’s like I never learn, I know how it will end but do things anyway... it’s like a sick joke, some sort of prank. only I don’t think it works like that. I do not think you make yourself look the fool. I don’t think you’re supposed to do that. see the thing about this month is that I have been smacked awake from my naive slumber, I have been smacked wide awake with a ball of ice. the math is simple (It wasn’t at fist) not everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt, not everyone deserves to know you like that, heck not every tom, dick and harry deserves the time of your day. the lonely won’t go away just because your share the same music taste. 

and I want to be very honest, I have no one else to blame but myself for the hard lessons I was forced to learn. I can’t even blame the alcohol but trust me, it’s a close second. the thing with me is that I’m stubborn a little naive at times but mostly stubborn. I do not learn until I’m being force fed the lesson down my throat, until I’m singing never ever again because now, I can’t listen to the blues without aching because apparently, I never remember to never attach people to music. my stubbornness is what got me my signature love story, my stubbornness is why I don’t let go, my stubbornness is why I don’t give up. if you ask me, it’s not particularly bad, yin and yang you know? but at the end of the day the fault remains mine, to put trust in people is to set yourself up for failure and I’m not saying you shouldn’t trust people, all I’m saying is that if you stay disappointed you don’t get disappointed. my advice, your default state should be disappointed but never surprised, don’t let nothing catch you of guard.

*sigh*, if I sigh hard enough, I might just huff and puff and blow this house away. 

in other news, wait no, there are no other news.